Tonight I volunteered at our hospice’s rememberance service for the people who have passed away in the past year. It was moving to see so many people there, all sharing the experience of losing someone they love. I’ve lost many people in my life, including all of my grandparents and several siblings. The one loss that I carry with me each day is the loss of my brother Tim. We weren’t very close, didn’t grow up in the same house, nor did we live near one another. Even with these obstacles, Tim and I would always share a bond as siblings. Since he was older, he knew more about our shared family history, held stronger memories of our paternal grandparents. I always thought we would grow closer as the years went by, that there would always be time. When he took his life last year, I had a four-month-old daughter that he would never meet. Although I lost a dear sister 10 years ago to illness and miss her terribly, losing Tim is a different, sharper kind of mourning. His suicide left a gaping hole in me filled with questions marks at a very vulnerable time in my life. His death and my daughter’s early months are forever linked in my heart and mind. When I think of my sister I feel a radiant love for her–but, for Tim I feel sorrow that I fear will never be resolved.
One of the great benefits of the hospice movement is the opportunity for the patient and their loved ones to take back a bit of control in an often chaotic time by creating a loving environment. While we obviously can’t always control when we die, when a person enters hospice they have the chance to live how they want to live right up until the end. This sort of death has the potential for healing for those who will be left behind. Saying goodbye and I love you was so important to me with my sister’s death–this act has allowed me to accept her passing in a way that wasn’t possible with Tim.
Since his death triggered postpartum depression for me, I wanted to share this link to an online resource for people who have lost someone to suicide, fear for someone who is depressed or for those feeling suicidal (please call 9-1-1 to get help immediately). The website is: www.suicide.org. This site, as well as, this one contain information on postpartum depression that I feel is essential pre- and post-natal reading for all moms and their loved ones.
